Sunday, January 25, 2009

For all you fellows up to no good, working hard in those garage machine shops (and I KNOW you're out there).

Making a rifle barrel on a lathe.

A H/T to Clell for forwarding this. It is entitled:


DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the
freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner
where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes
fingerprints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it

takes you to say, 'Oh sh -- '

ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
holes until you die of old age.

SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.

PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation
of blood-blisters.

BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor
touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.

HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
dismal your future becomes.

VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt
heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to
transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.

OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various
flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
grease inside the wheel hub out of which you want to remove a
bearing race.

TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch
wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.

HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Us ed for lowering an automobile to the ground
after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack
handle firmly under the bumper.

BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops
to cut good aluminum sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit
into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead
of the outside edge.

TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile
strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.

PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under
lids or for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil
on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip
out Phillips screw heads.

STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used
to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws and
butchering your palms.

PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.

HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.

HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays
is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive
parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.

UTILITY KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly
well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic
bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic
parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while
in use.

DAMM-IT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the
garage while yelling 'DAMM-IT' at the top of your lungs. It is also, most
often, the next tool that you will need.


chris horton said...

funny stuff Clell,and mostly spot on as well! Thanks for the giggle...


rexxhead said...

I already have most of those tools... and use them exactly as described!

idahobob said...

I about spewed my coffee!!
Humor (facts) like these are not for mornin' readin'.

LOL LOL LOL LOL!!!!!!!!!


tom said...

No mention of lathe:

Catapult for chuck key that some idiot forgot to remove from chuck before switching on the motor.

Also useful for launching entire lathe chucks to bounce around the room when some numbnutz is reverse cutting a thread and forgets to properly lock chuck in place so it unscrews and you get to watch "four jaws gone wild!"

You haven't lived until you've seen an 80lb "wheel of tool steel" bouncing around a fully staffed machine shop at high velocity.

me said...

LOL. Damm-it tool...I have plenty of those.

You forgot the "walk away" tool...that little thing in your skull that says walk away before you hurt yourself. VERY handy at times, but mine sometimes has the volume set too low and I can't hear it.

Phil said...

A timeless list, I cringe everytime I see it because so many of these things have happened to me over the years. One I would add,
The Air Ratchet,
a time saving device most often used to trap your knuckles up against a sharp edged object under the hood of a car in such a manner as to wedge the trigger open and making it impossible to turn off as it bangs away the hide on the back of your hand.

As you can see, I have some experience with this phenomena.

Anonymous said...

You didn't mention the cut-off wheels/grinder that starts your pant leg on fire or the hammer drill that will turn around about 4 times after the trigger gets jerked out'a you hand when the bit binds next to a re-bar.

Good laugh