18 December 2013
John W Hickenlooper, Governor
136 State Capitol
Denver, CO 80203-1792
My dear Governor Hickenlooper,
Merry Christmas! Enclosed you will find my Christmas gift to you, one thirty-round standard capacity AR15/M4 magazine, Generation M2, new in the wrapping, manufactured by MagPul, a Colorado company that is slowly disengaging from your state thanks to your tyrannical new law banning such devices to otherwise honest, law-abiding citizens.
I note in your interview with Colorado Public Radio yesterday that you are standing by your ill-conceived attack on the Constitutional rights of Colorado firearm owners, albeit with all the nervousness of a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs. The results of those recalls seem to have made you bilious, huh? And although I‘m sure you won‘t turn down Michael Bloomberg‘s money come your reelection campaign, in the context of Colorado political reality you’ll have to regard him with all the enthusiasm of a subway rider whose seat mate has his hair on fire. You can’t get away from him, but you really hope you won’t get burned. Good luck with that.
Indeed, it seems as if you wish the gun issue would just go away. Well, it won’t. You see, even the politically gelded and tone-deaf GOP couldn’t possibly miss this opportunity to tie this loathsome can to your tail and even if they do, interest groups within and without your state will make sure that you own what you bought.
For my part, my friends and I will continue to smuggle such thirty-round magazines as you now own in defiance of that law -- the fact that you hold it in your hand means that we have now imported into your state more than a hundred such magazines in defiance of your ill-considered diktat.
It is a modest number, to be sure, but then we work with modest means -- all of the magazines we have smuggled to date were donated by folks who wished to slap you in the face with their defiance. My friends and I, Three Percenters all, are merely the conduit of their contempt for your petty tyranny. They believe the long-standing principle of American jurisprudence that an unconstitutional law is null and void. Of course the trick is to make that point when the levers of power are in the hands of domestic enemies of the Constitution such as yourself.
In any case, you’re the governor for now so you are welcome to have your state police open an investigation on me. Of course there is a little problem of making a case regarding the others, but I’d say that your Christmas gift may be proof that I, at least, am guilty of defying your unconstitutional tyranny. I invite you to prosecute me if you think you can, but then there’s that pesky firearm rights issue that you just wish would go away before the election. . . It is a conundrum, ain’t it?
You know, my Michigan-born and bred grandfather once advised me, “Son, you don’t poke a wolverine with a sharp stick unless you want your balls ripped off.” You have wolverines in Colorado as well, don’t you? I mention this just as a caution, but then you’ve already poked that metaphorical wolverine with your sharp tyrannical stick, haven’t you? Making otherwise law-abiding folks into criminals is a rather stupid thing to do, for they may decide that if they’re going to be considered criminals by petty dictators posing as state officials that they should probably be the very best, most successful criminals they can be.
Oh, and one more thing. Since you now own an illegal device smuggled into your state in defiance of your diktat, I have this suggestion: Go arrest yourself.
Sincerely, and hoping you have a merry Christmas,
Mike Vanderboegh, Smuggler
The alleged leader of a merry band of Three Percenters
PO Box 926
Pinson, AL 35126