Friday, March 23, 2012

SITREP: In search of the Golden Turd.

No turd, no Walk today. But, more walking, more chance of turd. Rough day ahead.


Anonymous said...

Get up and walk and make sure you drink plenty of water, otherwise your gonna need a seatbelt for your toilet when they get done with you.

Make them get you up for the walk, If you've been transfered already.

Slobyskysa Rotchikokov said...

Eric Holder called and he wants his prize BACK!
Don't push the blogging stuff - just focus on recovery. Call if you need anything..

Anonymous said...

To evacuate your bowels all at once, just take a quick look at the billing statement from your surgeon. ;^)

Please get well soon!


Hillary said...

You don't know where the Golden Turd is?? Try Pennsylvania Avenue. First oval room to the right. Follow the trail of stale cigar smoke. Oh wait. Old Pasty Thighs never did smoke the things.

Dedicated_Dad said...

Brother Mike,

PLEASE do not let them let YOU go *ANY* longer without some - WHATEVER - necessary assistance!

Anaesthesia causes constipation - as do opiate pain medications and other stuff they're giving you.

Add to this the restricted food (ergo, FIBER) intake, and...

If you haven't "done your duty" by now, you're going to end up giving birth to a life-sized Obama or Eric Holder statue - made of solid GRANITE!

The wimmenfolk generally have all sorts of natural processes which aid THEM in giving birth - while we are blessed with NONE of them.

There's simply no way to be delicate about this, so here goes...

You'll end up delivering BIG ERIC all by yourself - without benefit of an episiotomy - and will need stitches to correct the damage he did on his way into the world where he and all of his ilk belong.

You MUST pound as much liquid as you can force down, water is better than nothing but fruit juice (apple, grape, prune - in increasing order of efficacy) is better!

Colace ("docusate-sodium) is also helpful to soften the granite somewhat, though by now it will probably do you little good...

In my experience, Delivering Granite-Barry and -Eric were horrors far surpassing the surgery and its aftermath which spawned them!

I just can't stress this enough: DEMAND chemical assistance, bite the bullet and do whatever you must to induce your labor NOW -- it will be exponentially more difficult and painful as the more time passes!

Good luck, and G*d-speed!

Sincere prayers inbound as well!


PS: The new "captcha" system REALLY blows!

Other blogs have turned it off for people who log in - thus limiting it to Anon-types!

Anonymous said...

Try Thai coconut soup. Natural laxative, tasty too.

Anonymous said...

If all else fails, reach in and break it up, manually.

Luke (alias "Lines With Chrome") said...

If you were a mathematician, I'd advise you to work it out with a pencil.

Best wishes for a full and rapid recovery!

Anonymous said...

Try Popeyes fried chicken and Dr Pepper. :)

Anonymous said...

When I had a colectomy back in 2008 (diverticultis gone deadly), it took several days to get the old gut working again. But when it finally did, the fart came, and later the turd. It set my soul free. Your time is coming. Just hang in there, bro.

Skip said...

What, you haven't shit in five days!
I'd be pushing that nurse call till my thumb broke.
Get the pill pusher in there and get some softener in you now.
If you shit the bed it will be way more better than another day of nothing.

Anonymous said...

CHEW chewing gum. It helps the gastro-colic relflex and gets the bowels moving(gets peristalsis going) Also the sugar free variety has a laxative effect.This was all written up a medical journals. Surprised your doctors don't know about it.