Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Inexplicable: Life with female persons.

So, my oldest daughter is back from college, meaning I am now outnumbered once again 3 to 1. This has necessitated a certain rearrangement in my schedule. No more beauty sleep for me. If I want hot water for my shower and shave, I have to get up before the line forms and get there first. No matter that both daughters have had long, soaking beauty baths the night before, they still must have their showers. The people who designed our hot water heater did not plan for the worst-case scenario of my daughters.

Then there's the inexplicable. There are are now, within the tub/shower enclosure, THIRTEEN BOTTLES of stuff -- various shampoos, conditioners, shampoo/conditioners, body washes, "deep cleansers" (whatever the hell that is) -- and that's not counting the bars of soap.

Note for the record: I use one bottle of cheap-grade shampoo and a bar of soap. I don't even use shaving cream to shave, just hot water.

If we had ROOM for all this mess in the shower it would be one thing, but every time I turn around I'm knocking something else off the little shelf that they precariously balance all this stuff on.

Thirteen. That's not counting all the mousses and gels they litter the the sink counter top with.

Okay, fine, I can deal with that. But when I begin my daily face scraping and discover that my razor -- MY razor! -- has been used on female-type legs since the morning previous, thus ruining it for painless shaving. . . (expletive deleted). I usually wake the little sleeping darlings with my screams and curses. Lord above, is ALL female leg hair made of hardened steel? Once a razor has been used on a female leg, it is ruined for male facial work. But do they content themselves with merely "borrowing" ONE of my razors? Noooooo. When I replace the ruined one witha new one from my hidden stash, they just grab that one too. Now I'm -- correction, THEY'RE -- going through one razor a day. I am a poor man. I can't afford this excrement.

Of course, I'll probably go certifiably insane before the summer's out and both are safely (safely?) back in college, so whether or not I have a serviceable razor then will not matter. I'll probably have to be shaved by an attendant as my arms will be pinned in a straight jacket.

Something to look forward to . . . At least the razor will be sharp.

36 comments:

Dakota said...

I learned long ago that when my daughters are home my razor goes in my shaving kit and I leave an old one out. The kit is stashed then where it cannot be found by the female of the species..... along with my reserve bottle of Irish Whiskey.

E said...

Listen to Dakota, and hide your good ones in a seperate stash. You really need to start using guerilla tactics.

Anonymous said...

Just use a straight razor. They won't bother THAT.....

DeadCenter

Anonymous said...

Safety razors > disposable razors.

Much cheaper, too. You can buy 100 blades for under twenty bucks online. Use a fresh blade every time.

Also, get a nice Badger brush and you're shaving in style.

Dr.D said...

One of the reasons I have a beard
Dr.D

Anonymous said...

I understand you situation completely. (wife and 3 stepdaughters) My solution was to switch to an electric razor. This was because NO hiding place was safe. After the girls left, I bought my wife her very own model of whatever I was using and then could go back to a blade.
Mongo

Cederq said...

Ahh, the eternal bane of man's existence... Mr Mike, haven't you figured to really hide the razor? I was once married to a long legged beauty and forever losing the one thing I too loved, a nice sharp man's razor. Her defence? "Yours shaves smoother." I used to take it and my stash of blades with me to work... don't get me on my underwear when she was pregnant...
Kevin III

Anonymous said...

I feel your pain brother, I only had one woman in my house and two full bathrooms, yet I had to perform the daily ritual of moving the various bottles of potions and lotions just to be able to bathe and groom myself. I have to wonder if a woman who requires so many artificial beauty aids is worth keeping. For myself, the answer was no.

LA Confederate said...

There is also the possibility of going feral for the next few months by growing a beard.

Anonymous said...

Raised 4 daughters AND a wife to boot. Be thankful they haven't decided to do an "Oatmeal" bath thing or even worse hot wax their legs and put it down the drain. Wax first and a follow up with oatmeal..........Massive plumbing problems all attributed to "Hollywood". Mike "Prozac" works in I.V. drip off of one of those little stands on wheels...........

Chris
III

Anonymous said...

+1 on a straight razor, or use a DE safety razor, they have a steep learning curve as they don't "glide" over facial irregularities, but the wife NEVER touches it, she knows the damage it does and can do.
Wayne B

Dedicated_Dad said...

I tried an electric razor, for this exact reason.

It soon became the sole property of Wifey too.

I am blessed to be able to eschew shaving entirely, instead using clippers to snip the hairs off at skin-level.

I've never looked back!

DD

Anonymous said...

You ever heard of summer school. It is better than going insane.

Dennis308 said...

L.O.L. INSANLY... I grew up with one brother and 5 FIVE sisters.I love all but Dear Lord,they could be a pain in the a...
Yea Mike hide the razor your chin will thank you.

Dennis
III
Texas

Dan said...

With a 3.5 and 5 yo girls, this is glimpse into my future.
My plan is that if they clog the drain, they help clean it, then when they learn how, they do it alone.
If they ruin my razors, their next shave is with an old razor.
All bottles of stuff go in their bathroom, a tote or the trash. Replacements come out of their $.
Naive, I know, but I gotta' try!

Anonymous said...

Mike, your thoughts on guns and government are nutso, but I almost like you after reading this.

Anonymous said...

Coming soon: praxis on bandoliers for the shower. Does your ALICE need more drain holes? Does soap keep velcro from working? The GITS (Get Into The Shower) bag. One of your daughters can write the counterpoint article: Why are there thirteen bottles of indistinguishable oil on dad's reloading bench? Cleaners, oils, cleaner/oils, silicones, "penetrating oil" (whatever the hell that is) -- and that's not counting the wax tap sticks. Note for the record: she uses one bottle of CLP and an old toothbrush. She doesn't even use a silicone rag, just paper towels.

Lergnom said...

My wife buys her own razors and what few nostrums she has are on one shelf. Very low maintenance, that girl. She's also a very good pistol shot.

JP said...

There is only one solution and others have mentioned it.

Grow a beard.

But not just any beard. Grow an epic beard. Grow a big nasty beard.

Then use all of your daughters special expensive hair products on it.

Tom said...

Great writing, great humor, great story cuz its so DANG-Nably true!!

Anonymous said...

As a single father raising four daughters myself I can laugh my butt off over this one! You left out the part about four rolls of toilet paper a week and a drain snake that gets used weekly!

Thanks Mike, glad your spirits are up

John

the Allegory III

George said...

STRAIGHT RAZOR. Takes longer to prep the face (steaming towel wrap), and shave, but, done correctly, your shave may last TWO DAYS! (this from a guy who must shave TWICE, if he wants to 'look nice' for the evening!) It's also kind of a relaxing ritual (akin to pipe smokers living longer than non-smokers, because of the ritual).

Brock Townsend said...

A wife and five daughters, and at one time in a house with one bathroom, so each night as I proceeded with my beer drinking, I would water my peach tree. Turned out real good peaches too!:-)

ParaPacem said...

Or try the psych approach - convince them that the Euro style is THE thing, women let the leg hair and armpit hair grow out, a la Katarina Witt. Tell them the men go nuts over it, and that the Kenyan Obongo says he cannot stand women who are not clean shaven.

Oh, yeah, and you'd probably look fine with a beard. Myself - after three days, strangers approach me and press dollar bills into my hand for coffee, and often tell me where the nearest men's shelter is.

Years ago, when I tried to grow a serious beard ( before my hair greyed ) my beard had traces of black, brown, and auburn / ginger, from my Mom's Celtic ancestry. A dear friend tried to be charitable and told me,
"Look, I say this as a true friend - you look like you got a effin' weasel wrapped around your face."
j

Anonymous said...

Would you rather they lived with me?

AlphaWolf(Mark Mc) said...

As to the numerous accruments of female nessisary care products , there is no answer, i simply use a bar of lava soap and cold water. Now the razor issue i solved early on by getting a couple of the old style gillette clamshell safety razors, the type that take the disposable blades and are edged on both sides. i simply leave 1 where they can find it , and dont use it at all. i have the second secreted away within easy reach along with the spare blades ( they still havent found them ) but the visable razor , looks like it can be used as a rock rake , i do occationally change that blade out of kindness , but not often. Hot water is another issue, i took a hint from my mother in law and installed a shut off valve , after a time limit , i turn off the hot water supply, and if that doesnt work, i flush a toilet or turn on the outside tap. works every time. mike , this has been an issue since time immemorable , and its one i know men wont win no matter what , but i say lets have fun with it anyway even if it cant be won. A man has got to know his limitations.

straightarrow said...

A house with any women in it whatsoever is a house in which a man cannot move without knocking something down.

I used to get so frustrated, now I don't worry about it, if I knock something down, which I do daily, I leave it right where it fell.

I'm much happier now that I no longer care if the females are mad at me. It was that or run away. Too damn old to run away.

Crustyrusty said...

Note for the record: I use one bottle of cheap-grade shampoo and a bar of soap. I don't even use shaving cream to shave, just hot water.

I wish I had enough hair to bother with shampoo... but I gotta have the Barbasol or life is miserable.

thedweeze said...

If the old saw about "daughters being God's revenge on us for when we were that age", then I'm almost afraid to ask you what you were like back in your twenties. :)

W W Woodward said...

Mike,

Take a look at your toilet paper bill!

[W3]

word verification - not kidding. ou skint

Anonymous said...

All this time I thought you used your K-Bar to shave.

I am sooooo let down.

All is lost...





I need a bubble bath.

tyrantsbane said...

I'm with JP...grow a big nasty beard. I may follow this advice myself as well since I have a wife and 14 yo daughter who borrow my razors and it seems they don't make any with less than 4 blades or under $20 for a 4 pk anymore

III more than them said...

Ohh, booo-frigging-HOOOOoooo :)

I had 4 of them, and though they were dispersed amongst 2 bathrooms, they still managed to get into all kinds of things. I suppose I can feel your pain (been there with the razor.....), so I'll cut you some slack.

What you left out, you tough SOB, is that you really DO miss them when they are gone.... you really do, I just know it. The razor isn't all that important when they leave.... hell, you probably just let the beard go anyway, right?

Anyway, enough foolin' around. Love em while ya gotz em. A loving daughter is impossible to beat.

Dedicated_Dad said...

John "The Allegory" said "...raising four daughters ... four rolls of toilet paper a week..."

Either you're not counting right, or you need to count your blessings my friend!

Three females in my house use 4 ("Super-mega") rolls in a friggin' DAY!

I've tried EVERYTHING - including making *THEM* buy it. I pulled an epic rant once and unravelled an entire roll to show them the utter insanity and demonstrate that NOBODY NEEDS A FLIPPING T-P CATCHER'S MITT TO MOP UP A COUPLE OF DROPS OF BISCUIT JUICE!

All to no avail.

Look - I realize I don't sit down for most of my visits to "The Library." Still - there's no good reason for you to use in a day what would last me 6 months.

(Heavy-sigh...)

Some things are much less painful if you just try to accept them.

This is one of those...

DD

Happy D said...

Have you tried tried touching the razor up with a ceramic stone?
I extend the life and comfort of my disposable blades with a ceramic hone that I now keep in the bathroom for the job.

Crustyrusty said...

Oh please, let's not get started on the TP thing.

My ex and my daughters could burn up 2-3 a day, easy.

Not to mention that they were all synchronized when THAT time came. But we won't even go there.