"Pay no attention to the arachnid behind the curtain!" Arachnophobia and a Bad Case of Gender Confusion at the ATF.

"Pay no attention to the arachnid behind the curtain!"

So here I am, just about to get into the hyperbaric chamber yesterday when I get a jingle from a well-placed source I haven't heard from in months. "I don't know what you did, but you've really pissed off the ATF Chief Counsel."

"Rubenstein?" I asked.

"Yeah. He doesn't like being call a spider. Doesn't like it at all." He paused. "You DID call him a spider, didn't you?"

"Yeah," I admitted, "I did."

"Well, he's pissed."

Of course that made me sad, knowing the Chief Counsel Rubenstein didn't like me. I mean sad in a hilarious sort of way. Like, chuckled all the way through the treatment sad.

Later that night, I got another communication from a fellow in or about DC who called my other post of the day on "Rubenstein's epochal failure" "a serious piece of radioactive material" and likened it to jumping up on Rubenstein's desk, dropping my pants and taking a crap right in the middle of it.

It seems that Steve "The Spider" Rubenstein wants us to pay no attention to the arachnid behind the curtain. Too late, Steve. You'll have to deal with your arachnophobia on your own time.

But that was not the most amazing revelation about F-Troop yesterday.

James P. Ficaretta. The guy/girl you need to complain to at ATF about the latest regulation.

I learned of this bad case of gender confusion from Newbius, who directed me to this official statement which led in turn to this entry in the Federal Register.

You will note that those who wished to comment on the new regulation were referred thusly:

FOR FURTHER INFORMATION CONTACT:
James P. Ficaretta, Enforcement
Programs and Services; Bureau of
Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and
Explosives; U.S. Department of Justice;
99 New York Avenue, NE., Washington,
DC 20226; telephone: 202–648–7094.

Newbius, quite puzzled by this, left this comment on my post "CPT Jonathan Tuttle on the principal bureaucratic spider...":

Mike: Moderate this please.

Is this Teresa Ficaretta related at all to this guy?:

James P. Ficaretta, Enforcement
Programs and Services; Bureau of
Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms, and
Explosives; U.S. Department of Justice;
99 New York Avenue, NE., Washington,
DC 20226; telephone: 202–648–7094

The guy who now has full authority over FFLs, per D.C's post today?
http://www.atf.gov/press/releases/2010/06/060310-atf-official-statement-on-final-ruling.html

Of course long time readers of Sipsey Street will recall my many posts about James P. Vann, principal flunky in the Chief Counsel's Office. And certainly you will all recall CPT Jonathan Tuttle's observation in the original spider post:

For what it may be worth, I've copied below some ATF contact information. While it is difficult to be certain, the chief demon and legal string-puller in the ATF Chief Counsel menagerie may be Stephen Rubenstein, about whom we read nothing and know little. Knowing bureaucracies as I think I do, it seems highly doubtful that underlings would be left to run amok without authorization, and that the Upper Stories who concoct stuff would want to be at least one (deniable) level away, though (REDACTED) might have some observations in these regards. The visible people -- mainly Teresa Ficaretta and James P. Vann -- may well be doing bidding of higher-up masters, though I'd not rule out the personal vendetta aspects, as that permeates ATF. James P. rates no separate listing, so he's even lower down the ATF food chain.

You should certainly recall this reference in my open letter to "Big Ken" Melson the other day:

Of course this move presented your real enemies in the Chief Counsels' Office with a problem. They've been manipulating acting directors of the agency for DECADES, all the while avoiding serious blowback themselves for any screw-ups that resulted from their faulty "counsel." Even though they have long profited by this behind-the-scenes string-pulling, this situation is not entirely suited to their appetites. What the CCO lawyers really want is to maneuver one of their own into the top slot. The person most likely to get there (over your dead bureaucratic body, if necessary) is Teresa Ficaretta (AKA "Two-Bit" -- one of your unofficial monikers below the fifth floor is "Big Ken" and you don't want to hear the others). Ficaretta as you know was formerly Deputy Chief Counsel for Firearms, Explosives and Arson but is now Deputy Assistant Director of Firearms, Enforcement, Programs and Services.

My sources (among them Captains R.A. Bear and Jonathan Tuttle as well as the ever elusive fifth-floor snitch code-named "Waldo") tell me that it is common knowledge that Ms. Ficaretta wants to be the first female honcho of the ATF. To do that, of course, she has to see your backside hitting the door.

Now, let's recap what we know about the leadership of "The Gang" as JPFO calls them.

There is a James P. "Little Jimmy" Vann at ATF Chief Counsel's Office.

There is also a Teresa "Two-Bit" Ficaretta who used to be a mover-and-shaker in CCO and has now risen to the foot of throne as Deputy Assistant Director of Firearms, Enforcement, Programs and Services.

There is NO "James P. Ficaretta." (LATER NOTE: This is incorrect. See my retraction here. What follows, though based on incorrect information, is "still wicked funny," as Waldo the fifth floor snitch said when correcting me.)

Yet, this is in the Federal Register, an official publication of the United States government.

What is going on here?

Some possibilities:

a. James P. "Little Jimmy" Vann married Teresa "Two-Bit" Ficaretta in a secret ceremony, changing HIS name because Ficaretta comes from an obscure matrilineal society.

b. The name is an elaborate practical joke by Ficaretta and Vann to excuse throwing all public comments about the proposed regulation change in the trash because there is no such person as "James P. Ficaretta."

c. CPT R.A. Bear hacked into the typesetting process at the Government Printing Office and changed the name to make Vann and Ficaretta look even more ridiculous than they already are.

d. (And this is my personal favorite theory promulgated by COL Robert "Mad Bob" REDACTED of the notorious and hard core Dogtown Rangers.) James P. "Little Jimmy" Vann has a bad case of penis envy about Ms. "Two-Bit" Ficaretta's accession to power. She now is within grasp of the royal ring he has wanted all along. In a bad example of "if you can't beat 'em, join 'em," this has set up a textbook case of gender confusion in the poor boy's already weak mind and he has begun cross-dressing and appropriating Ficaretta's name when he signs official documents. As "Mad Bob" points out: "You know, it's got to be easy for him. He doesn't have so much to tuck up out of the way."

Good point.

"Little Jimmy" meets up with "Steve the Spider" in the fifth-floor john at the Concrete Asshole of the Universe. Little Jimmy to Steve the Spider: "Geez, boss, and I thought my dick was small."