Now this brings back memories of the Strange Case of the Missing Penis of Columbus, Ohio.

Man’s Ear Bitten Off, Thrown From Car On I-95.

Back when I was working as a hospital aide on the Neurosurgery Unit of the Ohio State University Hospital (I guess it was about 1977 or 1978), I was floated down to the ER one evening to help out when they were swamped (as they often were). In through our doors comes two CFD units, transporting a husband and wife. The wife was bleeding from her right breast. The husband was darn near bled out from a catastrophic amateur amputation of penis. As we pieced the story together, it went something like this:

It seems that the couple were engaged in some rather rough conjugal bliss when the husband got a little carried away and bit his wife's nipple half off. This, understandably, outraged his better half, so she clamped onto his little fireman with her incisors and made him instantly about three to four inches shorter. He clamped onto his severely insulted johnson with one hand and dialed 9-1-1 with the other. Of course, a cursory search of the premises revealed that the penis was missing when the fire department got there, so they inquired of the wife just where its current whereabouts might be (the husband having by now lost consciousness). She replied with a smile that she had swallowed it.

The doctor was not too optimistic about reattaching it, but felt that the effort must be made. After the wife signed her release, we immediately administered Ipecac syrup and everything that woman had for her last three meals came up -- but no penis. While she was recovering from that, we restrained her and the docs went down her throat with a scope to see if they could find it lodged somewhere. Nada. They were considering going up the other way when the woman finally caught her breath and admitted that she had spit it out on the floor of their apartment. The CFD returned to the scene to repeat their search, only to find the couple's dog licking its chops. At that point the search for the missing penis was called off.

They were both admitted, of course, she had her nipple reattached and then was sent to our psychiatric unit. He went to whatever unit dealt with severe penis trauma and in the end was discharged -- without going to the psych ward. I thought this was fundamentally unfair, since after all he was the one who started it. His nickname among the nurses on the unit he was transferred to was variously "Shorty" or "Stumpy." I think it was evening shift that called him Shorty and night shift called him Stumpy. This is a cautionary tale, dear readers, which has the advantage of being true.